


Suddenly I’m a Fiend And You’re All I Need

by lostinthesounds



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, F/M, grieving bellamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 08:13:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13454112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinthesounds/pseuds/lostinthesounds
Summary: There’s always a light in the darkness, sometimes you have to search with your eyes closed to make it easier. But what do you do when your source of light is physically gone and all that brightens up your day is that pretty bottle label?Search a bit harder.—-Or Monty having a friendly intervention of Bellamy Blake and his (tipsy) emotions over losing Clarke Griffin.





	Suddenly I’m a Fiend And You’re All I Need

**Author's Note:**

> just a quick little imagine for bellamy dealing with being seperated from Clarke. (Post season 4 of course) enjoy xoxo

Hurry. 

A word that meant to travel as quick as you can to get somewhere. 

Bellamy Blake just had to be arrogant and let that word be the last ones he ever heard come out of her mouth. He saw the frightened look in her ocean colored eyes...how she somehow knew she wasn't gonna make it. His stomach dropped along with his heart, and Bellamy wasn't so sure it was because of the memory crashing through his brain again. 

Rationally, it was probably the bottle of alcohol he just consumed while watching the same sun glow on the metal floor in front of him. He glanced down at the shadow of his clunky boots against the panels, fascinated at how he could be living his own nightmare. 

Clarke Griffin died for him. 

He hated how stubborn she was, but even more how she wouldn't even ask for his help if she knew her life was gonna be over. He got stabbed in the leg for her once before, was willing to take a cut to the throat for the girl....and was even willing to risk his life for her. He couldn't do it, much to his own demise because he didn't even know if she was gonna make it. 

Nobody did. 

But three months into the whole 'life after praimfaya' and living in a quiet and drunk state..he didn't stop himself from believing that it was helping him grieve someone he wouldve done absolutely anything for. 

Someone he loved. 

Bellamy felt his body buzz with the alcohol spreading in his veins, his blood running warm with the acceptance. He'd kept himself locked away in his section of the ark for days...since nobody bothered to talk to him. They knew what he needed, to drink as much as he could to try and forget the pain in his heart. Did they agree with it? No. 

Bellamy knew they didn't, and a part of him wanted to focus on being happy with his friends. A small part STILL clinging the rest of his being to have the drinks and have the pain numb the responsibility. The rules that Clarke instilled in him before they separated.

 

Bellamy jumps in his seat slightly, when the door knocks. His hand automatically setting the glass bottle down next to him, and getting up quickly to get the door. His gaze was a bit off, his eyes not focusing on just one thing. 

 

Monty rolls his eyes at the scene in front of him, smelling the alcohol scent off the jacket of his friend and the messiness of the infamous hair that looked out of place in all directions. It was time for some damage control, a friendly intervention if he wills it. 

"I came here to help you" Monty says, his arm brushing against Bellamy as he lets himself inside the room. 

Bellamy shakes his head softly, feeling like Monty was talking down to him like a child..which he wasn't. 

"That won't be necessary, Monty. I'm fine and doing just swell right now" Bellamy makes himself comfortable again on the chair with his legs resting atop of eachother leaning back. 

However, he notices the widened eyes of his friend and realizes that this might be a touchy subject. So he speaks up again with a cough to clear his throat, that almost felt like his voice was drowning in quick sand. "I'm not..I'm not turning into him" 

 

"You're gonna end up like him if you keep doing this to yourself. I'm not losing another person I trust, so you're damn sure I'm helping you out of this funk alcoholic thing you have going on" Monty says in a gentle and tough tone. His fingers grazing over all the bottles in the room, which was at least four empty. 

 

Monty grabs a stool closer to Bellamy and plants himself in front of him..determined to fix him. He's an engineer who knew how to fix the ark bracelets (which felt like eons ago now that he thinks about) that sent him to the ground, and now he's certain he could fix his broken hearted friend. 

The room soon felt stuffy with the tension of the silence growing by the second and Bellamy knew exactly what Monty was wanting to say. 

 

"Clarke meant a lot to you right?" Monty asks, fingers tapping on the table now. Trying to stay occupied other than the stare Bellamy was trying to dawn at him. 

He nods though, answering the question with all honesty. If he was able to admit to Jaha how much Clarke was apart of his life, then he could admit the same to someone he confides in. It's better this way anyways. 

"You probably feel like shit now that she's gone right?” 

“Dead-“ Monty pauses. 

“Without you, Bellamy.-“ 

“Dead, all because she saved us. She was saving you.” 

The realization hitting Bellamy hard, his chest tightened as his brain remembered the nightmare he had the nights before, describing what his friend just did. His knuckles were beginning to whiten and his heartbeat increased. It was the alcohol reacting this quickly, he was sure of it. Even when he barely drank half the bottle, and the buzz was still draining him he couldn't help but feel his heart tear in every direction. Just thinking about Clarke gasping for air, or running back to the lab as fast as fate would let her...and he was waiting. Waiting till the last possible second. 

Too bad, the radiation was interfering with the transmission signals that it was her job to fix. 

How much time could he have given her? 

He wanted to give her the world and all the time it had to make sure he saw those frightened ocean blue eyes once more. But the world was running out of time and couldn't give her any to spare. 

Bastards. 

"Monty-" Bellamy tries to warn the words coming out of his mouth next, feeling his head spin already. His temper close to breaking since all his inner walls were threatening to forcefully break down. 

"You tried your best Bellamy....you were the one most dedicated to save her" He tries to sound softer, more understanding but Bellamy couldn't stop himself either. He could see his fingers trembling against the steel, wanting to neglect the ability to feel something again. 

 

"My best isn't good enough and never was for her. I had one job and that was to make sure everyone got on that ship" Bellamy tries to reach for the bottle next to him, to rid himself from overthinking but Monty was too fast. Of course, he doesn't have the numbness covering his heart because he has someone to love everyday. So why would he need alcohol? 

Monty grabs the bottle before he does and holds it in his hands, a look of shock on his face. 

"So instead, you choose to run from your problems instead of coming to terms that you wanted to save her?" 

"Wanting is different from doing...I can’t want what I couldn’t rescue” Bellamy argues. He believed with ever fiber in his being, that he should’ve been the hero. Not Clarke, because she deserves better than him. She was the one who deserved to be up here, possibly even the one crying over her loss but it would’ve hurt way less for him. Why? Because he’d be dead. 

“But if Raven wasn't there to stop you, you would of done both. You would of been dead because you don't have nightblood and what a great plan that would've been?" Monty scuffs, hearing the deep breaths coming from the man across him. 

 

"We would of figured something out!" Bellamy's voice cracks with the different pronoun escaping his throat...realization that they weren't together. Clarke and him would always figure out a logical answer to everything they did, always working hand in hand to defeat their enemies because that’s what they did best. The only logical explanation for this, the drinking, the pain, was because he was alone. 

Bellamy was alone and hollow without the girl, and he’s never felt that way. 

 

"Not w-" Monty stops his words before looking around and getting up from his seat, and continues "Not when she didn't want you to go after her. She wants you to be alive and be safe! You aren't going to be alive if you keep drinking her away" His voice raises, and it feels almost as if it echoes in the room. 

 

"You don't understand do you? You have someone to love up here! In this stupid spacecraft that we all despise, you have someone that you'd do anything for! Why can't you get that this was my fault..I left her behind, I only did this to myself" Monty discovers a glossiness to Bellamy's eyes and he was close to tears. Monty felt like he'd been hit in the face, with the reminder of Jasper now running his blood cold. 

He remembered blaming himself for Maya's death, feeling like he killed the one joyous thing that Jasper felt came out of earth. He also remembered having the same fight with him about alcohol abuse and how much it hurt to see someone he loved go through it. 

Bellamy was right, he did have Harper. He had someone to care about in that special way..and he was very much glad for it because Monty knows that Bellamy could of been him. 

Bellamy gets up from his chair now, walking around the table slowly to face Monty. He was so conflicted over how to resolve his issues, his heart was aching with every breath he took. 

He let Monty have a close look of the bags under his eyes, the tiredness seeping through him. The slight irritation of redness because of his drinking...it didn't make sense but he did it anyways, feeling like it was logical to let Monty have the truth without him saying it verbally.

His barriers were so close to flooding and breaking apart, he couldn’t hold his head up. 

Monty begins the conversation again, hating how silent it was. "I understand how you feel. When Jasper died..I was so angry at him for doing that to me. For letting him go down a path I couldn't bear poke my head in to get. He's gone now and it hurts like hell still, and I may have Harper but nothing could stop how I felt." 

 

"I loved her Monty..I loved her so much that it hurts to even admit it. I never told her and I blame myself for her death every single day" his shoulders slumped like he'd given up. Bellamy turns his head quickly, to try and stop the tears from running down his face. To distract himself from Monty, how he's feeling, from the buzz wearing down on him finally. He hated how much Monty understood what he was going trough.

He didn't want to cry. 

"When we get back to Earth, you'll still have Octavia." Monty tries to reason but Bellamy was close to sobbing, with his big stature beginning to tremble and he had shortness of breath that was kind of alarming but he knew Bellamy needed to let go. To feel some sort of closure. 

 

"It's not the same thing...nothing feels right without her!" Bellamy breathes out in this voice nobody had ever witnessed, it was personal and quite fragile against his ego. He takes another deep breath, wanting to calm down. 

But a dam can’t calm down until it’s done exploding, and that’s exactly what he needed to do. He needed to feel heartbreak, the constant agony in his soul, the tears burning his face because it won’t stop, Bellamy Blake needs that to move on. 

He was scared to let all of it go, because what if this was the final part of grieving Clarke? What if he forgets what she sounds like, or the smiles she could make only for him? 

What if he forgets her, six years down the line? 

His heart may still hold a special place for her forever, now that she's gone but every bone in his body wishes that she wasn't. He tries to shut his eyes for a second, to let the utter darkness dream of a world with her in it. 

She was his home. 

He believes it now, and really wants to believe it later when he's not tipsy and emotional. 

Earth may be a horrid place that reminds him of what was snatched from him, the life he wanted- 

When he opens his eyes again, he doesn't realize Monty's arms wrapped around his shaking body. 

He doesn't realize the warmth on his cheeks from his tears finally falling, and the sobs coming from the back of his throat and his heart seemingly wanting to pour out of his chest. 

Bellamy sobs louder when he hugs back, letting himself feel the comfort that came with being around a friend that wants to help him. He accepted it and now he's not sure if the tears would stop. 

Monty felt his own heart break with the noticeable suffering of a guy he idolized on camp..a guy that would protect anyone with his own bear hands if he had to. Bellamy was such a tough guy. 

There he was, crumbling in his arms like he'd lost everything. 

Clarke was his everything. 

That was his truth. 

Earth may be horrid and a destruction of love and peace but it'll be home for all of them again. 

Bellamy wanted to go home. He needed to get his people home, and that’s what he wanted above all of this. Also, wherever Clarke was, or perished..he wanted to be there. 

Everything was for her now, and however long he'd be in space. 

He isn't fine, and for the first time in the couple months..he realizes it's alright. 

He wanted to say these words before, when he let Monty speak the daggers that sparked his mind..but he couldn't get them to travel up his vocal chords and out of his mouth for the burden to fall. 

Monty let his hands unclasp behind Bellamy's back to let him go, because he knew Bell wasn't the type to be this crazy for a long time. 

But, he stops when he hears the words come out of his mouth with a faint whisper and a raspy voice from all the crying. 

His grip only becomes tighter and he doesn't know how long he's there hugging the guy, but he'll be there as long as needed. 

 

"Thank you" 


End file.
